You’re tossing blame around like confetti at a wedding, but it’s doing you as much good as a chocolate teapot. It’s like you’re stuck in a mental rut deeper than the royal family’s lineage. Listen, sunshine, the Universe isn’t some kind of butler waiting to fluff your pillows every time you have a cry. You may have cocked up more times than a randy rabbit on speed, but that’s no reason to have a face like a slapped arse. The Universe owes you sod all; it’s about as obligated to make you comfy as I am to listen to another one of your sob stories. So, pick yourself up, dust off your pride, and find a bloomin’ solution to your mess. Your lucky charm for the day is a rubber ducky – it’s about as useful as your current approach, but at least it’ll make your bath time more entertaining.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!