Oi, you daft mug, stop playing the gallant knight for that shifty colleague or housemate of yours. You’re being taken for a right royal ride, and not the fun kind, if you catch my drift. What they’re asking of you now is like asking you to take a dip in the Thames in your birthday suit – it’s a blooming pivotal moment! Let them deal with the fallout of their own cock-ups for once. It’s time you buggered off. Lucky charm: A rubber duck. Why? Well, when you’re up to your arse in alligators, it’s hard to remember that the initial plan was to drain the swamp.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!