Right then, you little globetrotter, you’re more lost than a fart in a fan factory, aren’t you? Always gallivanting around, dipping your toe in this, sticking your nose in that. It’s a wonder you can find your arse with both hands, let alone plot a course for the future. It’s about time you stopped acting like a dog chasing its own tail and got your act together, don’t you reckon? Well, now’s your chance to stop being a constant cock-up and start pleasing your partner by finally making some plans. You know, those things that grown-ups do? Your lucky phrase for the day is “Bob’s your uncle”. Use it liberally, it might just make you sound like you know what you’re talking about for once. And if that doesn’t work, remember, you can’t polish a turd, but you can roll it in glitter.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!