“Cor blimey, guv’nor, 2025 is looking like a right kerfuffle for you! Might be time to chuck out the chintz and give the old homestead a facelift, or better yet, up sticks and move to a bigger gaff. Maybe one with a room just for your ever-expanding collection of novelty tea cosies. Either way, it’s all about finding that serene spot where you can prattle on about your feelings through scribbling, doodling, or belting out a tune. Maybe you’ll write the next ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’, or more likely, end up with something that sounds like a cat being strangled. No matter, just remember, the more you indulge your inner Picasso or your inner Pitbull, the more you’ll find yourself overflowing with creative juices – and not in the way you’re thinking, you dirty bugger! Lucky for you, your lucky colour this year is magnolia. Yeah, the same colour as every boring British living room since 1981. Maybe slap a bit of it on your walls during that makeover, eh? It might just inspire your next masterpiece – or at least make your place look a tad less like a jumble sale.”

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!