Alright, darling, here’s the tea. Don’t act like a daft pillock and flog yourself to death, love. Your health’s more important than a chuffed New Year. Don’t be a glutton for punishment, spread out like cheap margarine. Do us a favour and get your head down for a good kip, will ya? Sprinkle a smidge of light exercise into your day, like lifting a pint or dancing around the handbag on a Friday night. And ease up on the sugar, fat and booze, you’re not a bloody hummingbird or a lard bucket, are you? You want to be a picture of health, not a Picasso! So, focus on pampering yourself, you absolute muppet. And here’s a lucky little tip for you, don’t rely on four-leaf clovers for luck. They’re about as useful as a chocolate teapot. Try rubbing a bald man’s head instead. Now that’s a lucky charm that’ll give you a giggle!

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!