Blimey, get ready for a right royal cock-up today, mate. One of your chums or blood relations is about to blithely ignore an oath they swore on their granny’s grave to lend a hand. Their bloody disregard for you is as gut-wrenching as their talent for cocking up just about everything they touch. In moments like these, you can’t help but wonder if you’ve put your faith in a bunch of complete numpties. How’s that for a kick in the knackers? Your lucky charm today is a two bob bit. Yeah, that’s right, a two bob bit! ‘Cause let’s face it, you’ll need all the luck you can get with these wankers.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!