Right, listen up, you lazy sod. You’re sitting there, getting plump on the sofa like a Christmas turkey, letting life’s opportunities whizz by faster than a Tory’s promise. You’re just waiting for a deep sense of self-loathing to kick in, aren’t you? So, you’d better pull up your socks and quit your moaning, you’re not getting any younger. Time to shake those cobwebs off your ambitions and start evolving like a bloody Pokemon. Keep on trucking towards your goals, and you might just stumble across a version of yourself that doesn’t make people want to cross the street when they see you coming. And for luck, how about this? Try wearing a pair of lucky knickers, preferably clean. Mind you, with your lifestyle, they need to be lucky to survive a week. Oh, and remember, the only time ‘success’ comes before ‘work’ is in the dictionary, mate.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!