Look here, darling, the stars are telling me that you’re going to have a right royal knees-up on your tod today. No, you’re not morphing into a grumpy old git, it’s just that your charm today is akin to a wet weekend in Skegness. You’re not being a social leper, you just couldn’t give a monkey’s about small talk or playing nice with the neighbours. So, do yourself a favour, go into hibernation, and remember, no one can hear you fart when you’re alone. Get stuck into a juicy book, it’s the perfect excuse for not having to deal with any more human interaction than absolutely necessary. Oh, and here’s your lucky charm: a well-thumbed copy of ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’. Because let’s face it, the only action you’re getting today is between the covers… of a book, that is.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!