Oh, darling, you’ve been acting on impulse like a randy rabbit on a Viagra overdose. Remember that vow you made to yourself, you know, the one about having a bit of bloody restraint? That’s gone out the window like a drunken uncle at a wedding. You’re supposed to exercise caution, not your credit card, you nincompoop! Significant financial decisions are supposed to be made with a sober mind, not like you’re playing roulette with Monopoly money. It’s high time you put that noggin to good use, instead of just using it as a hat rack. Your behaviour has been about as appropriate as a fart in a lift, and it’s hindering your progress like a snail on a treadmill. Now, here’s a bit of advice, love. Your lucky charm is a budget planner. Yes, I know it sounds as exciting as a tax return, but it might just save you from financial ruin. So, get one and stick to it like a chewed up gum on a park bench. And remember, the only thing you should be splashing out on is a good sense of humour, ’cause you’re going to need it!

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!