Listen up, you lazy sod. If the thought of work today has you reaching for the sick bucket, then for the love of the Queen, don’t fill your diary with meetings that’ll have you chained to your desk like a misguided guard dog. What you’re actually craving, mate, is a good old chinwag with your kin and your pals. So, sod those professional obligations, bin them off for another day, and put the kettle on. And for a bit of good fortune, your lucky item today is a stapler. Why, you ask? Well, it’s the only thing that’ll keep your life together when you’ve downed one too many pints. Keep it close, you never know when you might need to pin your eyelids open during that godforsaken conference call.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!