Blimey, when’s the last time you took a gander at your gaff? It’s like a jumble sale in here – you’ve stuffed it with so much old tosh that it’s starting to look like a charity shop after Christmas. It’s high time you took a deep breath and waded into that sea of useless tat. You’re knackered, love, and it’s all because you can’t let go of that broken lava lamp from 1999. Channel your inner Marie Kondo, but with fewer polite thank yous and more vicious binning. Oh, and here’s an amusing tip for you. Your lucky charm is a bin bag. Yes, you heard it right, a bloody bin bag. Because the only way you’re going to find any luck in that pile of junk is by stuffing it into one and hoofing it to the tip!

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!