You’re attempting to get your knickers un-twisted, but it’s like trying to find a vegan at a sausage festival, innit? Your thoughts are more muddled than a British weather forecast, utterly flummoxing. The situation’s been about as straightforward as the London Underground during rush hour, just a right cock-up. A mate or kin has leapt to a conclusion quicker than a politician dodging questions, but you’re more like a tortoise at a rave, taking your sweet time to ponder it all. And here’s a lucky phrase for you, “I’m luckier than a one-legged man in an arse-kicking contest.” Remember to use it wisely, but not at a family gathering unless you fancy a swift kick to your own backside!

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!