Listen up, you’ve been stuck in your same old rut, lounging about in your well-worn slippers like an old man’s bollocks. You’ve been so bored you could watch paint dry and it’d be the highlight of your week. But, enough of that, it’s time to pull your finger out and shake things up. Consider moving your backside to a neighbourhood so fresh it’s still got the price tag on, or how about mingling with a new crowd? No, I don’t mean the pub regulars at the local boozer. You know, people who actually do things other than bitch about the weather. And here’s your lucky charm: a pair of sequined knickers. Why? Because if you’re going to pull your life out of a rut, you might as well do it with a bit of sparkle. Plus, it’ll make for a cracking story at the pub.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!