Oi, you! Quit jumping on every health fad that floats down the river like a celebrity’s discarded Botox. You know what’s right for your body, don’t you? And it ain’t kale smoothies and quinoa granola bars. Stuff yourself with all the fruits and veg you can handle. Get your chops around a juicy orange or two, and maybe you’ll stop craving those greasy chips and chocolate bars. You might even find that eating healthy tastes better than your usual diet of processed rubbish. Who’d have thought it, right? And here’s a lucky tip for you, love: Carry an apple around with you, not only because an apple a day keeps the doctor away, but also because you can throw it at anyone who tries to sell you the latest diet book. It’s hilarious and effective!

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!