Blimey, all you’ve got on the brain is the spondulicks, ain’t it? You’re tighter than a duck’s backside, mate. Maybe it’s time you slackened off a bit, eh? There’s plenty of dosh to be made without working your fingers to the bone. Well, unless you’re a piano player, then you might be onto something. You’ve got these odd little gifts, haven’t you? I mean, who knew someone could make a living off making tea cozies look like Boris Johnson? Got you thinking about setting up a shop from your flat, has it? Just remember, the only thing you’re selling more than tea cozies is your dignity. And let’s not forget about your incessant gallivanting. You’re zipping around more than a chav with a stolen moped. Cutting back on those jaunts could save your company a bit of the old folding stuff. Besides, no one needs to see that many pictures of you in front of Big Ben. Lucky tip for you: Don’t forget to wear your lucky pants today. You’ll need them when you’re flogging those Boris Johnson tea cozies. Just remember, the only thing funnier than your pants is the look on people’s faces when they see what you’re selling.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!