Well, butter my crumpets and call me a banker! Been splashing the cash like a Kardashian on a spa day, have we? You might want to keep one bleary eye on the bob and two on the old purse strings. We’re not all made of money, and your piggy bank is looking more anorexic than a fashion model in the ’90s. Stash away a few quid for a rainy day, or you’ll be up the creek without a paddle faster than you can say “credit crunch”. As for your dear old family, brace yourself for a bit of a kerfuffle tonight. It’s about to kick off harder than a football match with a dodgy referee. You’ll need the diplomacy skills of a UN ambassador after three martinis, and the patience of a saint on a slow day. Now, here’s a lucky charm for you: A pair of worn-out knickers. Don’t give me that look! They’ve seen more action than a Hollywood blockbuster and they’ve always come out on top. Stick them in the wash, mind you, no one needs that kind of luck.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!