Blimey, you’re in for a shocker, mate! You’ll soon discover that lending a hand to the needy gets your knickers in a twist with excitement, in the most peculiar way. It’s like finding out you fancy the Queen’s Guard without the furry hat. As the sun sets, you’ll decide to give the old two-finger salute to the ghosts of your past and start eyeing up the tantalising prospects of tomorrow like a randy pensioner at a strip club. Rely on your gut feelings, darling, even if they’re as reliable as a chocolate teapot. Your lucky charm this week is a pair of sparkly knickers. Not only will they bring you good fortune, but they’ll also give new meaning to the phrase “all that glitters is not gold”. Remember, if you can’t be good, be lucky…or at least be bloody hilarious!

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!