Blimey! It seems like the whole bloody world has gone mad, pegging you as their new Oracle of Delphi. Listen, love, don’t let them think you’re some sort of messiah, ready to part the Red Sea. You ain’t Moses and this ain’t the Bible! Stick to what you know, to your knitting, as they say, and don’t get your knickers in a twist trying to unravel life’s mysteries for every Tom, Dick and Harry. If you play your cards right, you’ll get more claps than a dodgy night in Soho! Now, your lucky phrase for the day is “Bob’s your uncle”. Quite fitting considering you’re playing agony aunt to the world. And remember, it’s as useful as a chocolate teapot when it comes to actual advice. But, hey, at least it’s a laugh!

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!