Blimey, watch your gob mate, especially when chinwagging with a dear old cock sparrow. You don�t want to cock it up, do ya? If the atmosphere’s so tense you could cut it with a knife, tread lightly, like you’re dodging dog mess on the high street. Keep your feet on the ground, even if your head’s in the gutter. Your lucky charm this week? A pair of knickers found on the tube. Who knows? They might just bring you some good luck, unless you’re caught sniffing them, of course.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!