Crikey! If there’s a bloody chance to have a gander outside, you’d rather sit on your bottom and fondle the remote, wouldn’t ya? The old homestead’s begging for a spruce-up, but you’re whinging there’s no time. You’re as useful as a chocolate teapot, mate. And oh look at that, a relative is in desperate need of your wisdom. What’s next, the queen asking for your scone recipe? Grab this golden opportunity to cosy up with someone you fancy. Just don’t end up in the doghouse, you old bugger. Your lucky item is a pair of knackered trainers, because God knows you need to get off that couch. As for a mantra, try “I’m not as idle as I look”, though I’d wager you’re fooling no one!

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!