Well, darling, brace yourself for a bloody spectacular week. You’ve got a well-meaning mate who’s about to give you a crash course in the finer things in life, and it�s not just about knowing your chips from your crisps. They’ve got charm pouring out of every orifice, making their words sound like the Queen’s speech on steroids. You’ll hang onto their every word, lapping it up like a thirsty dog at a puddle of beer. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, some nosy parker is warning you about strangers. Listen, we’ve all watched enough EastEnders to know that the real danger isn’t from strangers, it’s from your own bloody family! So, keep your wits about you, and remember, if you can’t spot the mug in the room, it’s probably you. Lucky item for this week? A can of baked beans. Why? Because if you’re going to blow hot air, might as well make it worth everyone’s while!

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!