You’re grumbling like a bear with a sore head over the monotony of your life. Yearning for a bit of the ol’ razzle-dazzle, are we? Well, if gallivanting off to Timbuktu is as likely as a snowball’s chance in hell, why not take a gander at a book that’s not your usual cup of tea? Perhaps ‘Fifty Shades of Earl Grey’ – it’s about a torrid love affair between a tea bag and a hot water dispenser. Or, you could pretend to be Mother Teresa and lend a hand at the local do-gooders’ club. Or, if you’re feeling particularly adventurous, brave the dubious delights of that new sushi joint in town. And remember, whatever you do, don’t order the blowfish – unless you want your mug on the front page of the local rag. Time to shake things up, old bean, unless you want to be stuck in this rut forever, like a hamster on a wheel, only less cute and more pathetic. And here’s a little nugget of wisdom for you: Your lucky charm is a rusty horseshoe, but only if you find it in a pile of actual horse shite. Nothing quite says “good fortune” like a tetanus shot and the lingering smell of equine excrement.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!