Blimey, you could do with a bit of change, couldn’t you? Instead of being a boring old stick-in-the-mud, why not spruce things up a bit with something new? I know, shocking idea, right? You might be lucky enough to hear some good news this week. Not that you’d know the difference between good news and a slap in the face with a wet kipper, but never mind. Apparently, it’s got something to do with money, so try not to spend it all at the chippy. And listen to this: over the weekend, you might hear about some event in the future. I know, it’s like I’m bloody Nostradamus or something. Here’s a lucky phrase for you: “Every cloud has a silver lining”. But in your case, it’s more like ‘every cloud has a chance of rain, so remember to take your brolly’. Oh, and your lucky number this week? 13. Yes, I know it’s usually unlucky, but given your track record, I figured it was worth a shot.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!