Blimey, you’re as flexible as a politician’s promise, aren’t you? Keep bobbing and weaving in your personal life and at work, just like a tipsy sailor on shore leave. If plans get tossed about like a salad at a vegan convention, just remember: it’s not a personal attack, you’re not on some cosmic blacklist. Everyone’s not out to get you, so put your conspiracy theories back in the box. And for the love of crumpets, stop flapping your gums about all those tasks you swore you’d do, and just get on with them, you lazy bugger. Your lucky charm this week is a used tea bag. Don’t look at me like that, it’s not my fault your life is a sitcom. Just remember to dip it in your boss’s mug when they’re not looking – it’s a guaranteed promotion, or at least a good laugh.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!