Oy, listen up, you cheeky git, you’re about to be thrown under the bus in the most un-gentlemanly fashion. But, don’t fret, you’ve got a mate who’s got your back with a dossier of your brilliance thicker than a politician’s expense report. No one can cock a snook at that. Now don’t just sit there like a spare part, use that noggin of yours. Think up some new tricks for your trade, and if they’re half as shocking as your Nan in a bikini, you’ll be on the up and up. If you’re not sat on your arse, you’ll be laying the bricks for a career that’s on the rise faster than a loaf of Hovis. And for your lucky charm, here’s a tip: Carry around a teaspoon. It’s not just for stirring your tea, it’s also handy for gouging out the eyes of anyone who tries to nick your job. Plus, it’s a hell of a conversation starter at parties.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!