Oi, don’t go getting all stiff upper lip today, alright? The best laugh you’ll get is from hobnobbing with those mates of yours, the ones who are all vim and vigour. Do get yourself stuck in some group shenanigans or, better yet, take up a ludicrous new hobby. Ever considered competitive bog snorkelling? Today’s the day to chuck a bit of spice into your humdrum life, you boring sod. And for your lucky charm, try carrying around a rubber duck. I hear it’s all the rage among the elite. Plus, if your day goes tits up, you’ve got yourself a bath toy, haven’t you?

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!