Cor blimey, mate, it’s been donkey’s years since you’ve had a proper giggle, ain’t it? Today could be the dog’s bollocks for a bit of a jolly jaunt with a mate. Think about toddling off to some far-flung nook of our sceptred isle, just remember not to bugger off out of the country, we don’t want any of that foreign muck. You might fancy a trudge through the shires or a promenade by the briny, just don’t get your knickers in a twist about it. Be a bit of a loose cannon, why don’t ya? And here’s a bit of advice, you jammy git. Your lucky item is a pebble. Not just any pebble, mind, one you’ve picked from the seashore while dodging seagull shite. Keep it in your pocket and it’ll bring you more luck than a three-legged rabbit. But remember, if you start talking to it, you’ve officially lost the plot.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!