In the spirit of Joan Rivers, let’s get this bloody show on the road. You’re thinking about having a chinwag with your ex, are you? About as useful as a chocolate teapot, that is. There’s a bloody good reason you’re not playing footsie under the duvet anymore, so don’t let their sweet talk and dewy-eyed reminiscing drag you back into a pile of old tosh that’s just gonna bite you in the arse again. Now, for your cheeky bit of good fortune, pop on a bit of red today. Not because it’s your lucky colour or any such poppycock, but because it’ll make you look like a right scorcher, and there’s nothing like a bit of self-confidence to keep those exes at bay. Remember, love, there’s no charm quite like self-esteem, and it’s a lot less of a bother than trying to convince an ex that they’re not the best thing since sliced bread.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!