Listen ‘ere, you lazy sod. Make sure you take a bleedin’ break and let your knackered brain have a breather. If you wake up feeling like a million quid, don’t go buggering it up by choosing dull activities that’ll have you feeling as miserable as a wet weekend in Blackpool. God forbid any of those dreary daily duties start to bring you down more than a lead balloon. As for your day job, play it smart. Delegate, you daft git – you’re not the bloody Queen, you know. And here’s a bit of advice, or rather a lucky phrase for you: “I’m off like a dirty shirt”. Feel free to use it as an excuse to dodge out of any boring meeting. And if anyone questions you, just tell them it’s your lucky phrase. They’ll be so gobsmacked, they won’t know whether to scratch their watch or wind their bum.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!