Listen up, you plonker. You’re about to do something different, ain’t ya? And no, it ain’t gonna be another one of your daft, half-arsed ideas. This time, you’re gonna put your noggin to good use and think it through. Bit of a shocker, really. And let’s not forget about your health. You’ve been treating your body like a dodgy kebab after a night out. But now, you’re all serious, listening to white-coated boffins instead of your mate Dave’s uncle who swears by his homebrewed turmeric tea. Go figure. Lucky for you, your mantra is: “What would Joan Rivers do?” Remember, she once said, “I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.” So, don’t be a wimp, say it out loud and maybe you’ll dodge a bullet or two. And remember, if you’re going to kick ass, you need kickass shoes. So your lucky item is a pair of red stilettos. Wear ’em, even in the shower. You never know when you’ll need to make a quick, stylish exit.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!