Oi, listen up, you lot. When life chucks a spanner in your works, don’t go bashing it with your head, you numpty. Try a bit of the old skirting around, the sidestep, the cheeky manoeuvre to avoid it, like you do when the Jehovah’s Witnesses knock on the door. You can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear, so don’t even bother trying to change the minds of the other numbskulls in your life. You’ll have as much luck convincing them as you would teaching a cat to juggle. The only thing you can control is your own carry-on. Sometimes, the best course of action is to scarper, like a rat up a drainpipe. Your lucky phrase is “Bollocks to it all” – it’s got a sort of poetic rhythm to it, hasn’t it? Use it wisely, but not in front of your granny, unless she’s as deaf as a post.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!