Crikey, looks like you’ve drawn the short straw, mate. You’re about to be thrown a task that’s as exciting as watching paint dry on a rainy Sunday. Might not give you the buzz of skydiving, but it’s as important as a loo roll in a curry house. So pull up your socks and get to it, pronto! Oh, and pack your pants and toothbrush, looks like you’re about to be shipped off somewhere. Probably somewhere as glamorous as Skegness in February. Good luck with that, darling! Lucky phrase: “As lucky as a three-legged dog in a sausage factory.” And remember, things could always be worse – you could be that dog.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!