Oi, you jammy git, ready for a chinwag about the stars? Your brainy endeavours, like swotting for exams or chin-stroking interviews, might hit a few speed bumps. ‘Course, it’s bound to be as reliable as a chocolate teapot, so don’t get your knickers in a twist. As for your gallivanting plans, don’t bet your bottom dollar on them. You’re about as likely to get on that plane as a vegan in a butcher’s shop. The story you’ll be spoon-fed will be about as believable as a teetotaler in a brewery. Makes you wonder if someone’s pulling your leg, doesn’t it? Feels like there’s a bit of the old cloak and dagger stuff going on, something you’ve not been clued in on. Now, here’s your lucky charm: a three-legged frog. I know, sounds about as useful as a chocolate fireguard, right? But give it a whirl, mate. It can’t be any worse than your current luck. Plus, it’s hilarious to watch it hop.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!