Listen up, darling, it’s all kicking off at your gaff, right? It’s like a ruddy episode of EastEnders, but with manners! Everyone’s tip-toeing around like they’re playing a never-ending game of ‘Don’t Wake Dad.’ It’s all ‘pass the sugar, please’ and ‘oh, your hair looks nice’, when we all know they’re thinking ‘bloody hell, did a bird nest in there?’ But you, love, you’re too busy trying not to ruffle anyone’s feathers, acting like a swan – all grace on top and paddling like a madman underneath. They’re giving you the same courtesy, pretending you’re a delicate little flower when we all know you’re more like a prickly cactus. Come evening, you’re going to need a bit of TLC, and no, I don’t mean chasing waterfalls. A good bubble bath, a glass of wine, or perhaps a round with your favourite battery-operated boyfriend. Here’s your lucky charm, darling – a bright red lipstick. Yes, I know it’s not your colour, but it might distract people from that bird’s nest on your head. Or, even better, it might make you look less like a ghost on those Zoom calls. And remember, a swipe of lippy can be your armour in the battle of life. Or at least, make your teeth look whiter.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!