Blimey, you’re about as in sync with the emotional rollercoaster of those around you as Prince Charles is with Camilla’s hairdresser. This should pave the way for some proper chummy chinwags, as long as you don’t go arse over tit. Trust your gut, mate. You’ve got the knack for knowing what to say and when to say it, just like a politician avoiding a straight answer. See someone in need of a bit of TLC or a kind word? You’re there, popping up like a bad penny, ready to offer a shoulder to cry on. Just remember, if they’re crying, it’s probably because they’ve seen your face, not because they’re touched by your sympathy. Oh, and your lucky phrase for the day is “Bob’s your uncle.” Say it three times fast whenever you’re in a pickle and watch as absolutely bugger all happens. It’s about as useful as a chocolate teapot, but hey, it’ll give you and your mates a good giggle.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!