Blimey, your kettle’s gone tits up, your toaster’s on the blink, and you’ve run out of the bloody bean juice. It’s one of those mornings when you’d have better luck finding rocking horse shite than a fully functioning appliance. And as for the rest of your day, expect a chinwag that’s as riveting as watching paint dry – all about fixing your shambolic gizmos and the thrilling world of domestic dross. Your lucky charm? A screwdriver. You’re going to need it to sort out this mechanical melee, and even then, you stand a better chance of teaching a goldfish to tap dance. So remember, ‘If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. But if it is… well, you’re buggered.’

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!