Blimey, you’re in for a right royal mess at the office today, mate! The bloody computers are going to have a bigger meltdown than a sunburnt pom on Bondi Beach. Those dashed appointments you’ve been counting down to? Well, they’ve gone off faster than a chip butty at a weight watchers meeting. And don’t even get me started on the staff, they’re scarcer than hen’s teeth. You’ll be running around like a mad hatter trying to sort it all out. That chinwag you were banking on? Well, the other party’s going to be later than the Queen to a royal banquet, if they show up at all. Get ready to jump through more hoops than a circus poodle, old bean. Lucky phrase for you today: “Keep calm and carry on,” though you’ll probably feel more like shouting, “I didn’t sign up for this codswallop!” Trust me, it’ll be as useful as a chocolate teapot, but it might just give you a laugh.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!