Right, listen up, you lot. You’re about to feel a bit down in the dumps, all because of some silly event early doors that’ll make you realise there’s a gap in your life, as big as the Grand Canyon. You’ll suddenly become aware of some poor bugger who ain’t around anymore. Maybe they’ve legged it, or maybe they’re just hiding from your dreadful cooking. Regardless, it’s going to stir up your emotions like a blender on steroids. This whole ruckus is going to give you a kick up the arse and remind you to pay a bit more attention to your spiritual side. You know, that little voice inside of you that’s screaming for a glass of wine and some peace and quiet. You’re going to need to stick a ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign on your forehead, lock yourself in the loo and have a good old chinwag with your soul. And for heaven’s sake, give it a biscuit – it sounds famished. By the way, your lucky charm is a rubber duck. Yes, a rubber duck. Why? Because even in the mad whirlpool of life, it always bobs back to the surface, just like your sense of humour after a few gin and tonics. Your mantra? “If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then it probably just needs a good roasting.” There’s your tip, love. Now, off you waddle.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!