Alright, love, here’s the plan. You need to get a bloody grip on what you actually want, because at the moment, you’re fluttering about like a lost seagull in a chip shop. Decide on something, anything, for Pete’s sake, and make it a big, juicy, long-term goal, something that will keep you up at night – in a good way, you dirty bugger. It’s even better if you can rope in some other poor sods to share your misplaced enthusiasm, misery loves company, after all. Set a target, preferably not your ex’s car, and go at it like a bulldog chewing a wasp. And here’s your lucky charm, darling – it’s a horseshoe. Now, don’t go getting any cheeky ideas about where to stick it, you filthy animal. Think of it as a friendly reminder to stop horsing around and get your act together.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!