Are you flogging your own backside like a rented mule, all in the name of impressing some wazzock? Why not give yourself a bloody break, you daft pillock. You’ve earned a kip, haven’t you? Dial up the family hotline for a dose of common sense, though God knows if they’ve got any to spare. If you’re dithering over some earth-shattering decision, find a mate who’s got your back, preferably one who can string two sentences together without tripping over their own tongue. And here’s your lucky nugget for the day: your lucky phrase is ‘Bob’s your uncle.’ Use it when you’re in a pickle and need to sound more British than the Queen at a tea party. But remember, just because ‘Bob’s your uncle,’ doesn’t mean he’s good for a loan.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!