You’ve been throwing more effort into this messy situation than a randy rabbit at a mating convention, and it’s still as fruitful as a chocolate teapot. You’re all forlorn and fretting more than a cat at a dog show over some dodgy money-making scheme that’s going down the pan faster than a curry on a Saturday night. You’re contemplating asking your mate for a few quid. That’s about as smart as a chocolate fireguard, mate. Mixing dosh with friendship is about as relaxing as playing a game of Twister with an octopus. And here’s a lucky charm for you, a four-leaf clover, but don’t you dare use it as an excuse to start betting on the ponies, you cheeky sod. You’d have better luck finding a sober Irishman on St. Patrick’s Day.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!