Listen up, you bunch of numpties! Some of your so-called ‘mate-ships’ might be hitting a few choppy waters today. By choppy, I mean as turbulent as a pint of stout after a tumble dryer spin cycle. But don’t throw your knickers in a twist just yet, it’ll all smooth out by the time EastEnders is on the telly. Now, it’s actually a top-notch time to flog, buy, or crow about anything you reckon is worth a bob or two. Got some dodgy old tat you’ve been meaning to shift? Stick it on Gumtree and tell ’em it’s vintage. Fancy yourself a bit of an artist? Good on ya! Now’s the moment to get your hands dirty and splash some paint about. As long as it’s not on the neighbour’s cat again, we’re golden. Oh, and keep your ears pricked up because some swanky bigwig is about to dish out some wisdom. Probably something about not eating yellow snow or not putting all your eggs in one basket. Riveting stuff, I’m sure. Now, for your lucky bit, your lucky colour is pigeon grey. Yes, that’s right, the colour of the world’s most underappreciated bird. Wear it with pride and remember, even a pigeon can look like a swan if it sticks its beak up high enough.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!