Cor blimey, life’s a right bloody minefield, ain’t it? Every bloomin’ thing’s got a danger tag dangling off it, especially the stuff that’s supposed to be vital. Stow that in your noggin, and you might actually not cock up everything you attempt. Before you leap in feet first, ponder a sec, sunshine. Are the perils as big as a double-decker bus or just a squeaky mouse? If the rewards are more tantalising than a chip butty after a night on the lash, then bung yourself in there, mate! And here’s your lucky charm: a rubber duck. Yes, you heard it right. This isn’t a wind-up; it’s a bathtub buddy. What’s it going to do for you? Well, it’ll keep you afloat when your life’s going down the drain, won’t it? And remember, when things get tough, just tell yourself, “Keep calm and squeeze the duck!”

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!