Listen up, you tedious buffoon. Shoving your head in the ground and sticking to your boring, tried-and-tested methods might just spare you another cock-up, rather than gallivanting around like a headless chicken on a joyride of discovery. Keep your blooming intentions clear, unless you’re trying to navigate through life like a drunk in a labyrinth. Being precise, paying attention to detail, and showing up on time � it’s not rocket science, is it? These are essential for your dealings today, unless you fancy being as useful as a chocolate teapot. Lucky little tip for you: Own a watch and learn to read it. Might stop you being late for everything, you complete nincompoop. It’s a ruddy miracle you’re not still stuck in the womb!

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!