Blimey, you’re a right mess, aren’t you? Your mood’s bobbing about like a ship on choppy waters and it’s doing your head in more than a pint too many at the local. You’re about as easy to understand as a Frenchman at a cockney rhyming slang convention. You’re wound tighter than a Scotsman’s purse strings and you’re taking everything more seriously than a nun in a cucumber field. Your personal and professional life’s as balanced as a one-legged man at an arse-kicking contest and it’s making you more prickly than a hedgehog in a balloon shop. It’s clear you couldn’t tell a joke if it sat on your face and started to wiggle. You’re about as much fun as a root canal and twice as painful to be around. So, chin up, love. Take a breather. Do something you enjoy, like counting your flaws or practising your resting bitch face. And remember, wellness isn’t just about being fit, it�s also about not being a complete tosser. Now, I’ve heard through the grapevine that your lucky number is 7. So, why don’t you try using it to kick-start a new hobby? You know, like brewing your own beer or learning to juggle. Just make sure it’s something that doesn’t involve other people – we wouldn’t want to subject them to your delightful personality now, would we?

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!