“Blimey, after a right old cock-up, you and your motley crew will be gobsmacked at the rate at which the chips start falling in your favour. It’ll be like a hare in a greyhound race, bloody quick! You’ll find a touch more peace in your nearest and dearest relationships, making room for a chinwag about subjects that were once as off-limits as a nun’s nightie. Get ready to shake hands on fresh deals, and keep your fingers crossed they’re not all as useful as a chocolate teapot. Your lucky phrase for today is ‘Bob’s your uncle’, which is more than can be said for poor Auntie Mabel, who’s still trying to figure out if her bingo wings are a blessing or a curse.”

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!