Blimey, you’re in a right pickle, mate! The proof’s in the pudding, but your gut’s having a right old knees-up in another postcode. Trying to get your feelings across to these muppets expecting you to stick to their master plan is like trying to teach a seagull to tap dance – bloody impossible! But don’t worry, they’ll soon see you’re not as daft as you look. Your lucky charm: a horseshoe. Not to bring you luck, mind, but to give you something to throw at the next numpty who tries to tell you what to do!

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!