Keep your knickers on, mate! If you’ve got some big, business-related decision looming ahead, like whether to nick the last biscuit from the staff room, don’t rush in like a bull in a china shop. A bit of patience, like waiting for the kettle to boil before dunking your Digestive, will keep your arse out of the fire. Chats are going to leave you as knackered as a one-legged man in an arse-kicking contest. This might make you feel like you’ve been dragged through a hedge backwards, but remember, it’s no use crying over spilt tea. Slap on a face mask, sip some gin, and try to keep your pecker up. And here’s a little nugget for you: Your lucky charm is a half-eaten pork pie. Why? Because if your week goes tits up, at least you’ve got a snack.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!