Blimey, sunshine, if you stop faffing about and actually start paying a smidgen of attention to the nitty-gritty, you might just about make a dent in that ever-growing list of pipe dreams. Time to pull up your socks, mate, and face the music – whether it’s a tedious task or some health niggle that’s been pestering you more than a seagull at a fish and chip shop. And for heaven’s sake, quit your bellyaching! You’re not auditioning for EastEnders, are you? So quit making a drama out of a crisis. Now, here’s your lucky charm: a spiffy pair of knickers. Why, you ask? Well, if you’re going to talk out your arse, you might as well dress it up a bit, right?

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!