Love is in the air, it’s like a bad fart in a lift, you can’t escape it, darling. Keep your knickers on and your emotions in check. There’s a new prospect on the horizon, but tread lightly as if you’re sneaking into the kitchen at 2am for that leftover curry. And as for your current squeeze, stop trying to control them like a crazed puppet master, you’re not bloody Geppetto. Are you gripping too hard, love? You’ll give ’em haemorrhoids! Before you go gallivanting off with your big plans, let others mull over them. After all, not everyone’s as mad as a box of frogs like you. Now, for your lucky charm, grab a horseshoe. No, not from a real horse, you donkey. A novelty one from the dollar store will do. Why? Because it’s as real as your chance of becoming the next royal family member.

Come back tomorrow for another exciting horoscope!